On Being Less Available

What does saying no, setting boundaries, and putting down your phone have to do with quitting or drinking less alcohol?

I have struggled in the past few years significantly with the crushing weight of expectations, specifically when it comes to technology.

You too?

While many of the expectations are self-imposed, it seems that there is always an endless “to-do” list, and the never escaping feeling that you “should” be doing something.

I fondly imagine a world before so much technology.

While technology and devices help keep us connected, help us improve the state of the world, and more… they’re also something that our human race has never dealt with before (nor have we been designed to function in this way).

Photo by Mike Meyers on Unsplash

And I’m a firm believer that technology, and the constant stream of pressure, helps keep us stuck in our unhealthy alcohol-use patterns.

Stay with me.

A while back, I wrote about my experience at a silent meditation retreat — an experience that prompted me back to writing and getting onto Substack. While there, nestled in the mountains near Big Bear Lake in California, I decided to take a walk one morning during our free time. I hadn’t spoken words from my lips in more than 24 hours. But I remembered the path and the instructions given to us by the retreat manager when we arrived.

The Pebble Plains was a 1.75 mile hike through the woods. As I left the retreat grounds, I felt weary of walking into the woods by myself and without a cellphone. As I started through the wooded trails, I grew more and more fearful of all of the dangerous possibilities— I could get lost, stumble upon a bear, break my ankle… My brain went wild sending me warning signals of all of the bad things that could happen.

I reminded myself that for thousands of years, humans walked through the woods without cellphones.

Along the path, I used tips that I had learned as a child: notice and remember specific markings in the path, certain trees or branches. I gave them each names along the way.

When I reached the end of the Pebble Plains path, I was surrounded by the beauty of the San Bernardino Mountains, and the wide open valleys stretching out for what felt like eternity. It was not only a miraculous sight, but a miraculous feeling. The feeling of when things feel open, free, and untouchable.

On my walk back, I passed back along the path with the same trees and branches I had named along the way. Arriving back at camp, I felt a sense of freedom. I had survived a day without speaking, and a hike without a cell phone.

Now, back to the story at hand: Being less available.

I share this story about my technology-free weekend because while it was hard to be away from my phone, email, social media, etc. It was very, very necessary.

When I look back now, during my heavy drinking era, I never seemed to be bothered much by the phone, emails, etc. And maybe alcohol was a tool for numbing the crushing weight of being constantly “on”.

And now, four years into sobriety, I struggle daily with the phone.

So much so that I often have friends and family (lovingly?) tease me about how bad I am with the phone. And honestly, its even cost me a few friendships.

If left to my own devices (pun intended), here’s what my morning might look like:

• I wake up: Oooh, I wonder what happened overnight on social media and in the world. I wonder if Thomas ever responded to my email. Let me check. Ok, no email, panic ensues. Open Instagram, another treacherous global event. Someone’s dog has gone over the rainbow bridge. Oh, and wow Jessica lost a bunch of weight and looks great. Cue the self-loathing and shame about my body. I should go and work out. Eh, I’m too tired. Let me make some coffee.

• Whilst coffee is brewing: Oy today’s schedule is full. I feel anxiety about all of my calls. I should have gone for a walk or done my meditation but now I’ve spent too long stressing and have to hop right in the shower to start my day.

• The workday begins: 100 emails— most of them junk. Each one annoys me with its promotion of the day. I should unsubscribe to half of them, but instead I delete them. I’ll worry about it later. (PS, I have ADHD if you couldn’t already tell by this description of my mind).

Continue this endless stream of pressure for every waking minute.

OK — NO WONDER I drank alcohol in the past. This brain was DYING for a reprieve at the end of the day!

But alcohol is not the solution.

Part of the solution is figuring out how to make technology work for you, and not to let it completely take over your life. Yes, this is extremely hard. Tech companies are releasing updates daily to make their products more ‘needed’ and more addictive.

You probably haven’t been told this: It’s up to you to set the rules.

It’s almost like becoming an adult: No one can stop you from eating cookies for breakfast. But after gaining weight and feeling like crap, you learn that you cannot keep eating cookies for breakfast. Bummer.

We create our own peace!

Technology will continue to bombard us if we let it. It is up to us to set boundaries and rules. To take stock of what’s “too much”, and take action to change it.

And while you might not be thinking of the direct association between your phone and your history with alcohol (or your struggles with letting it go), this is your inspiration to start connecting the dots.

While I am surely not perfect, here are some things that have helped me set better boundaries and lower the pressure:

• Social media scrub: Unfollow accounts that no longer serve you information that makes you feel good. A good rule of thumb, if you see a post and it annoys / triggers you, then Unfollow or Restrict your access to seeing their content. It will provide you with a feed that feels more uplifting and helpful, rather than frustrating.

• Use an App Blocker: I use the Opal app to block my access to certain apps during the day and at night. For example, I turn off my access to emails after 7pm, and don’t open the access to them until 8am. This stops me from opening my emails at 10pm, or 6am, and keeps me in check with work boundaries.

• Set boundaries with the people you love: Let your loved ones know that you’re spending less time on your phone and that it may take you an extra day to get back to the text or call.

• Use the “Do Not Disturb” feature: While I still long for the day of the AIM instant messenger “away message” to make its return, this will do. Set it up on an automatic schedule so that it limits you first thing in the morning, at night, during work, etc.

• Creating a morning routine that limits the phone: This is one area I’ve been focusing a lot lately. One of my mentors, Marie Forleo, always says Create Before You Consume. This mantra has helped remind me to start the day without consuming other people’s content, and to start the day creating something of my own. That’s why you all have been reading so much more from me lately! I start the day with 20 minutes of meditation, a crossword (in a paper book), 30 minutes of writing, and 30 minutes of movement. On the days I complete all 4 tasks, I have a drastically different day than when I start it scrolling social media.

Here are some things I am still working on:

• Keeping up with those I love (if you’re reading this, I love you and I will eventually get back to you :))

• Social media boundaries and not starting the day instantly checking the ‘gram.

• News updates — how to stay informed while also not letting the endless cycle run my life.

So my friend, if you’re struggling with the phone, with technology, with emails, with keeping up. Please know that you’re not meant to be able to. To survive in this world, we have to step off the hamster wheel on our own accord.

And if you’ve struggled with letting go of alcohol because of stress, please consider how the phone and your “always open” sign plays a role. Better boundaries might be an important part of the solution.

How I feel about technology, sometimes. Photo Credit: Brian Hodge.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and PLEASE share your tips as to how you stay connected without ripping your hair out.

Sending you love and permission to put the phone down after this.

Xo, Dr. Brooke